What I Knew All Along
by lookupatthesky
Summary: Lily's POV, ONESHOT. 'My other friends were on my side in the big picture. When it was time to choose sides we would all be on one side. Now it was clear which side Severus would be on. Though I wished differently, Severus would end up on the other side.'


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything at all. The plot, characters (except for the few names that you don't recognize), and Harry Potter universe belong to J.K. Rowling. This is just my take on what happened in a piece of the story that was left out.

**Summery: **Lily's thoughts and interactions right before she confronts Snape about when he calls her a mudblood after the Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL… explores Lily's feelings towards Snape, and what drove her to end their friendship

**Author's Note:** As it says in the summery, this takes place right before the scene in the Pensieve where Lily and Severus are standing outside the portrait hole, the night after Severus calls Lily a mudblood. It's told through Lily's point of view, and is only six or so pages. Still, I kind of liked it and thought it might be worth putting up here. So, enjoy – constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, but I'd prefer if you refrain from flaming .

**Facing What I Knew All Along **

"Lils?"

"What?" I snapped, before even looking up from my book. A scowl already planted on my face, I was fully prepared to face my intruder. However, my sour expression instantly relaxed when I saw Mary's nervous face. She looked rather skittish, and I wasn't about to pretend I didn't know why.

It had been going on since about a half hour after dinner, and though at first I had been able to keep calm and focus my anger on Severus – no, _Snape_ – it had become increasingly difficult as each person came up to me. First it had been the little first and second years, walking up to me and saying that there was a Slytherin outside the portrait hole, and he wanted to talk to me, to say sorry.

Each time, I would grind my teeth together and say curtly that I didn't want to talk to him. The children weren't to blame, but I still got angry at them. It was the anger that was meant for Severus, because although I had tried to deny it, he was just like all of the others after all. Some of the anger was directed at myself as well, for ignoring what I knew to be true.

When I became so cross I shouted – loud enough that probably Severus heard through the Fat Lady – at a particularly jumpy second year, I knew I had to have some time by myself, if only to relax. So I packed up my books and headed to the 5th year dormitory, steadfastly ignoring Potter's stare and Black's annoyingly loud "whisper" about it being 'someone's time of the month'.

The dormitory was empty and peacefully silent, providing me with a sanctuary. It was just what I needed, despite the fact that it meant my thoughts were free to haunt me. But then Carla Brockton came in as I was changing into my nightgown, telling me "that Snape boy I liked" was trying to get into the common room to talk to me.

"Don't know why you like him so much," Carla had sniffed, walking over to her own bed and pulling the hangings closed as she undressed. "He's rather repulsive, if I do say so myself. And his completely rude – calling you a mudblood like that."

I winced, at the matter-of-fact tone she used. Carla was never one to mince words. Usually I would stick up for Severus, but I remained silent after Carla's remarks, because I was just seeing that she was right.

After Carla's entrance, Henrietta and Margaret also came up, both with messages from Severus. As you can imagine, this did nothing to help calm my mood. So, after brushing both of them off with rather snippy remarks, I pulled out a book and began to read the same line over and over again, seething.

By the time Mary came up, I had become so tense I was in jeopardy of bending the cover of my book with my grip of death. I didn't exactly want to be nice to her, but Mary was one of my closer friends – closer then Carla, I daresay – and I didn't want to be rude to her. So, glancing down at my hands, which were clutching the book with surprising strength, I gently put the book down and sighed, saying, "I'm sorry, Mary. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just angry."

Mary nodded understandingly, taking a seat at the edge of my bed. She hesitated before asking softly, "Do – do you want to talk about it?"

I sighed, because truthfully I didn't know. Mary wasn't as bad as my other friends – she was really the only one that didn't comment on my friendship with Severus. I knew she didn't approve of it, but she never commented on it or berated me for associating with him like everyone else. Mary wouldn't judge me, and maybe that was exactly what I needed.

And so I replied, "I'm not sure. I just thought he was different – different from all the others."

"You like him, don't you?" Mary asked softly, resting her hand on mine. I looked down, instinctively scooting closer to her. Of course I liked Severus as a friend, or I did before that night, but I knew she was referring to something a lot different then friendship, something much more complicated.

Looking up into Mary's eyes, I felt the tears threaten to come. Choking back a sob, I murmured, "I think so – or at least I did. I didn't want to believe he was like the others, but he is. And I couldn't ever be friends, or anything more, with someone like that. He just wasn't the person I thought he was."

"I think," Mary said slowly, and I knew she was choosing her words carefully, "you did know what kind of person he was, you just didn't want to admit it to yourself."

The words hurt, but I knew they were true. I brushed a stray strand of hair away from my eyes and said, "I thought I could change him."

It was becoming much more difficult to hide the tears, and Mary must've realized it because she summoned a box of tissues and held it out to me, saying softly, "It's okay to cry, you know."

And then I did cry, I let it all spill out – all of the hate, the love, and the sadness. I cried for what could've been, what was, and what couldn't be changed. Most of all, I cried for everything that I hadn't been able to see before, but suddenly could. Severus, as much as I wanted him to be, wasn't a good person. He was going to become a Death Eater, and he was going to hurt people – kill them.

Worst of all, it was what he wanted. He wanted to be a Death Eater, aspired to be one. He had a choice, and he chose to be a bad person. Severus Snape didn't like people like me – he called them mudbloods, and someday I knew that he would be one of the ones murdering them, and anyone that disagreed with him. He wasn't like me, didn't share my ideals and morals.

Despite what I said about Potter, or Black, or Carla, or any other Gryffindor that I disagreed with, they were on my side in the big picture. When it was time to choose sides, we would all be on one side – my friends, fellow Gryffindors, the Marauders (as hard as it was to believe at times), and I. Now it was abundantly clear which side Severus would be on. I knew that however much I wished differently, Severus would end up on the other side.

"I really, truly thought he was different," I sobbed. Mary gave me one last pat on the back before getting up and shutting the hangings around the bed to give me privacy. Before she could shut them all the way, I caught the pitiful stare of Henrietta and the nervous eyes of Margaret. I just started to cry harder.

Mary returned to her spot next to me, whispering words of comfort. We both knew that they didn't help, but there was nothing else really that she could do. I had lost a friend – in reality, he had been lost for a long time, I had just ignored it for the longest amount of time possible.

There was a bit of a silence as my tears began to slow. I looked up at Mary and gave her a weak smile before saying, "Thanks, Mary. I don't know how I could've been this stupid."

"He treated you different, Lily – there was no way for you to know. He never called you," she hesitated about her choice of words before saying, "rude names, or jinxed you. He didn't taunt you or look down on you, like he did all of the other muggleborns. You couldn't have known."

"But I saw him," I muttered weakly, more to myself then to Mary. "I saw how he treated everyone else, and I heard about it. I just turned away, because I didn't want to hear it. I was stupid and cruel – I don't know how you were able to live with me, knowing I was friends with such a horrid _Slytherin_."

Mary hesitated again, obviously not knowing what to say. I felt bad for putting her in an awkward position; it wasn't her fault, after all. As I was about to apologize, she said, "He wasn't horrid to begin with, though. Don't blame yourself, Lils. It's him you should be mad at."

"I am," I said with conviction then I felt. "I am – Severus Snape is just as much to blame as I am."

Mary looked doubtful, but remained silent. I still blamed myself, and she knew it – but it was Severus's fault as well. He wasn't a nice person, and I knew it. Maybe he would never change, and fix what he had done wrong, but _I_ could fix what I had done wrong.

"You loved him," she murmured finally. "Love blinds people."

I shook my head and stated matter-of-factly, "I don't love him enough – I'm not quite sure if I even still do love him – not anymore. Not after what he said."

There was another moment or two of silence, and I suddenly knew with conviction that I didn't feel any love for Severus anymore. I didn't hate him, either, though. I just felt… empty. Indifferent.

Just as I had made up my mind to never speak to Severus Snape again, I could hear the sound of shoes stomping up the stairs. Sure enough, moments later I heard the door slam open and a girl that I knew to be Alex barge in.

She flung back my hangings, and I could immediately feel her anger, as well as see it on her face. Seething, Alex hissed, "Lily, I know we're best friends, but if you don't get out there and make that Slytherin scum go away, I'll hex _both_ of you to Paris."

"Alex!" Mary admonished, looking horrified.

I winced, and wiped the last of my tears away before telling Alex, "I will – I'll tell him to go away. For good. Just not this moment."

I looked up and met Alex's gaze, which now looked guilty. She said apologetically, "Sorry, he just got all on my nerves. Wouldn't let me get past him to enter the common room before I promised I would talk to you. He wasn't very gentlemanly at all."

"He _did _say he was going to sleep out there tonight if you didn't go out and see him," Mary said reluctantly, fidgeting. Alex scoffed, and I found that I didn't have any pity in my heart for Severus anymore. That part of my life was over.

Carla opened her hangings, getting out of her bed and walking over as she said, "He's a real git, you know that? Truly, I don't know what makes you put up with him, Lily."

"Neither do I," I muttered, standing up.

I knew what I had to do, as much as it pained me to do so. It was clear Severus and I weren't on the same path, and there was no point in pretending we were or ever would be. With that in mind, I squared my shoulders and said softly, "I'll be right back."

Mary and Alex exchanged worried glances, but I didn't offer any explanation. Carla nodded in satisfaction and said, "Good – it's what you need to do."

"It is," I agreed, and I could tell Carla was rather surprised by this. We didn't normally agree on much, though it wasn't extreme enough that I would call her my enemy or anything drastic like that. We just didn't see eye to eye, and both of us knew it. But as we stared at each other, I understood that she had known all along – after all, it was common knowledge that Carla came from a pureblood family, though none of them were Death Eaters. I gave Carla a soft smile, and she returned it. I wasn't quite sure what it meant, but I knew it was something good.

As I walked down into the common room, I felt all of the sadness and regret seep out of me – as if I had cried out all of it. All I felt was cold. There was no more mercy in my heart for Severus Snape. True, I didn't exactly hate him, but I knew we would not – could not – ever be friends again. And I didn't mind.

Severus and I had good times together; I would never forget our friendship. But we were older now, sixteen. It was time for the lies to stop. You-Know-Who was gaining power, and I knew it was useless to pretend that didn't matter. And so, I took a deep breath and turned towards the portrait hole.

Knowing I had to break our friendship wasn't an easy thing to bear, but it was for the best. It was what needed to be done, not only for me but for him as well.

"Lily?"

I spun around, not very happy at the interruption. I had been ready, in the right mindset even, to face Severus – and then it was all broken. There was a retort on the tip of my tongue, but it flew away when I saw the cautious figure of Remus Lupin. Forcing a smile onto my face, I said, "Hi, Remus – sorry about Snape."

I could tell Remus was surprised by my use of Severus's last name, but he didn't comment on it. Instead, he said, "Don't worry about it – not your fault, is it? James and Sirius had it in their minds to go and hex him back to the dungeons, but I persuaded them to let it go. You two should be safe to talk. Be careful about Filch, though – he's patrolling the corridors near here."

I didn't ask about how Remus knew Filch was near the Fat Lady – the Marauders always seemed to know where the teachers and Filch were, and Mrs. Norris as well. Remus took a few steps closer, stepping into the fading light of the fire. He looked tired, although that was to be expected – he always looked like that.

Shifting from one foot to another, I muttered, "Thanks."

"Yeah, well," Remus shrugged, running a hand through his ragged hair, "I just wanted to tell you to watch your back." Then, after realizing what he had said, added hastily, "For Filch, I mean."

I laughed, surprising both of us, before saying, "Yeah, I know, Rem."

"Oh, and," now Remus looked more awkward then ever as he nervously fiddled with his pajama shirt, "I wanted to kind of apologize, too – for James and Sirius's behavior outside, today. They get out of hand, sometimes." He smiled awkwardly before adding, "I doubt they'll ever say they're sorry, but I figured someone should."

"Thanks," I said, and I found that I really meant it. "You shouldn't feel like you have to feel sorry for them."

Instead of coming up with an excuse or defense against my accusation that he was apologizing for him, Remus just shrugged and said noncommittally, "Yeah, I know." He got a faraway look in his eyes, as if lost in thought, but it only lasted for a second before he shook it off and added, "Well, I'm going to head up to bed. Good luck with Snape, though. I hope you two make up."

"I don't think we will," I said slowly. "Thanks, though."

Remus didn't look surprised. He just nodded understandably and, with a small wave, returned to his dormitory. I waited until the door had shut behind him, and I was sure he was gone before I turned to face the Fat Lady's portrait once again. Putting on a determined look, I made my way towards it, knowing that it would be best to just get it over with.

This time, I actually made it out the portrait hole.

-0-o-0-

**Please tell me what you think! I'm pretty sure I'm going to do another little one-shot that goes along with this, but I'm not quite sure yet...**


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